I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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