I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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