dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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