FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She's the barista slut.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
