He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
