I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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