im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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