I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
