girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
