3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
