The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
