she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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