i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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