so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I am one with the molecules
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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