i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
