The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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