apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
