M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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