i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
