Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
