The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
