i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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