My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
