Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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