Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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