Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
