dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
