Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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