I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
sex in a hospital.. check
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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