beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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