She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's never too late to be topless.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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