yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
