Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
