i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
