Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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