You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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