two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You are the jesus of drinking
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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