I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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