I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
