well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
