ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
