If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
