All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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