theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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