good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
