I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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