Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
