He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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