Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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