I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
