help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
