she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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