You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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