So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
