Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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