you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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